If you and I had met for coffee just a few days ago – you wouldn’t have recognised me: I was a dishevelled shell of my former self.
I felt empty. Tired. Utterly worn out. Completely uninspired. Ready to go back to being a factory worker instead of pursuing my dreams as I’d resolved to.
And just as I was about to collapse back into the mundane life I’d escaped, something tugged at me to find inspiration to get back on track. And I did. My inspiration came in the form of an interview Jonathan Fields had with Alisa Vitti on his site GoodLifeProject.
As the interview went on lights were sparked. By the end of the interview a full on flame had broken out. I was again inspired and re-fuelled to remember the dreams I had shelved a while ago when every energy I had was channelled to carrying my baby to full term.
I’m sorry – I do that sometimes… just throw you at the end of a story… I’ll rewind a little: So late December last year I was hospitalised at week 28 of my pregnancy.
At the time my baby was far too small for delivery and my doctor warned that were she to come then she may have to be in ICU even up to four weeks maybe! I couldn’t bear the thought of my baby in an incubator for weeks!
I asked my doctor what could be done to prevent her coming so early. Long story short: I had surgery that would help prevent labour.
A week after the surgery I was back in hospital with contractions – I was hopsitalised again. The weeks that followed were focused solely on keeping my baby from being born too early.
There were days when I was desperate to work. I missed writing. I missed working. But my doctor had urged me to take the bed rest he’d ordered seriously.
In that time I could feel passion seeping away from me.
It was odd because I loved my daughter and yet being unable to be as productive as I was accustomed to drained the life out of me.
On the first day of her life I held my baby and smelled her constantly. That evening I fell asleep, seated on my bed, holding her in my arms. Eventually one of the nurses peeled her away from me and lay her in the cot next to my bed.
By then I was too exhausted to protest – I rolled my bed flat and slept in the delirious state of absolute adoration for my new baby.
With each moment that passed between us I fell more and more in love with my daughter.
However… our “babymoon” was short lived. When we got home from hospital I fell into what felt like chaos compared to the very controlled hospital environment we had cocooned ourselves in.
In hospital whenever I needed something I pressed a button and someone would come to tend to my need.
When I got home I felt like I was the button!
Every mom who comes home with child number two or three or four (you get the drift) knows exactly what I experienced when I got home.
It wasn’t long before I was on the phone with my therapist sending a massive SOS.
I won’t get into the details of all that was going on – the point is this: I was consumed by so many things that there was no room for thinking about business and dreams and passion and doing what I love… whatever extra time I had, I used to not go mad!
Looking back now I’m not surprised I ended up utterly empty, uninspired and dishevelled. It’s no surprise I wanted to crawl back to the comfort of life as I’d known it before I embarked on my journey to live the life that I felt I was created for.
What helped me seek help was asking myself: “Where is the love?”
What kept playing in my head was the post I’d written about “Arriving” just a few months ago.
I remembered how full I felt then. How complete my life was – what on earth had happened to move me?
I remembered how effortless my joy seemed then. I wanted it back and something in me knew that path was easy to find.
And so in my desire to live again, to go back to the place of fullness that was my portion – I sought inspiration. As I said earlier my inspiration came in the form of the GoodLifeProject.
After watching the video I wrote to Jonathan Fields and thanked him for helping pull me out of the pit.
I found the love. It was exactly where I’d left it just waiting to be reignited.
As I’m writing this… someone has just reminded me it’s my birthday today! How absolutely bizarre that the day I choose to write about new beginnings and what feels like rebirth – is my actual birthday! Hahaha – life is just so beautiful!
So friends as always I’m sending you love, urging you to live passionately and daring you to honour the truth of why you’re here.
Here’s to a wonderful new re-beginning!
You’re welcome to leave a comment or email Hannah directly at firstname.lastname@example.org