Month: July 2012

Hehehehe…. Hehehehe….

Lighten up – I hope you had a good chuckle when you saw my headline.

It made me laugh at myself when I thought of it.

I was going to go with something like ‘Christians don’t get depressed…’ but where would the fun in that boring title be?

It’s a good feeling to be able to write again with a huge smile on my face.

I haven’t been blogging much since I last told you that I was going through a rather deep dip in my life.

So it’s month two of working through the depression – it has not been easy and surely not fun.

Last week was I think the worst of it. The blow came when I woke up throwing up with anxiety, and then I went numb. I wasn’t sad, I wasn’t happy, I wasn’t feeling stressed out – just nothing.

Before then I’d already decided to call for (professional) help but for some reason had been postponing the call.

When I felt I’d hit a brick wall and was struggling just to get up – my first concern was for my son. I didn’t want to get to the point where I was so debilitated by the depression I couldn’t care for him.

So back to my hilarious (well at least I think it is) headline.

So in my search for help I spoke to one of my very dear friends about what I was going through and asked her: “Do Christians get depressed?”

I guess what I was saying to her was: “I’m a Christian and I shouldn’t be going through this!”

And her very simple and straightforward answer was: “Of course they do.”

She went on to add: “And it’s a real problem because people in the Church don’t really talk about it. There is such a stigma to it and a lot of shame.”

She opened up about how she had gone through it. And how a dear friend of hers had gone through it so badly that she had to be admitted for a long while.

Life happens. Even to Christians.

Yesterday I went to see a therapist who was brilliant in giving me practical tools to support me through this time.

I do believe in God. And I do love Him (even though I don’t act like it always). And I do believe in laying things at His feet etc etc – So what concerned me about being in this state was not only the feeling rubbish all the time but also feeling that there was such a disconnect in my relationship with God. And there are few things that I’m ill-equipped to handle like feeling I’m not in sync with Him.  But here’s the thing: being depressed is no less evil or shameful as having the flu.

Being a Christian does not mean being able to successfully deal with everything at all times – sometimes we fall on tough times that every now and then rip us to pieces.

Just like Christians get hungry, and bored, and angry and exhausted and catch the cold and yeah fart– depression happens to Christians too. It’s not evil, nor is it a sign of weakness or a fall out with God – it’s simply human.

There’s no shame in it.

Perhaps a part of me has been judgmental on this issue because although I have been through severe dips like the one I’m weathering now – I don’t think I was as gracious to others for their completely falling apart.

Often I felt if I said I was depressed and I talked about it – it would seem like a pity party or worse- it would make me come across as being weak.

Yeah I do feel weak right now. And I do feel depleted. But also I know who I am: I am a strong woman with big dreams and I haven’t given up on making them come true. And my passion to nudge the people I come into contact with to pursue the greatness in them burns ever brighter.

And so I continue to seek all the help I can get.

Going through this period of depression doesn’t mean I’m a bad or weak Christian – it just means that I’m human. Still. 🙂

 

P.S. Professional help can be costly especially if one is not on medical aid.

So here are some options:

I called a facilitator for the South African Depression and Anxiety Group in my area – she was brilliant. Also I needed help urgently and she was able to see me within a couple of days of calling her.

One mom who’d gone through severe depression highly recommended the Sophiatown Counseling Services which she says has helped her remarkably. Their number is: 011 482 8530.

Please people I’m not opening myself like this for the attention or for the fun of it – I’m talking about this so if you need help in this area you do talk about it and get the help you need.

HUGS

Sometimes the only way I’m able to process the parabolas of life are sharing them with you.

So I thought to share a somewhat personal battle I’m struggling with right now – depression.

Yeah dude it does happen to the most successful and most beautiful of us – it’s called life 🙂

So anyway the past couple of weeks have been a whirlwind – a crazy time of constantly asking “You said my purpose in life was what again?” Hehehehehe – I can laugh now – but you know those days, ladies, when you just wanna walk around in your jammies – go to the store with rollers in your hair and BO that would make paint peel off walls – yep I’m talking that down in the dumps.

I don’t know what guys do when they’re depressed – what do guys do when you don’t feel up to life? Do you just not shave for a couple of days?

Sometimes I wonder if it’s not harder on our men with them being raised to not cry and to “keep it together at all times.”

I mean when life’s pretty crap for a man – do you guys really talk about it? Do men ever allow any kind of vulnerability that screams out: “Help – I’m drowning?” How would we, the women in their lives respond to that? Who knows – all I know is that I’m drowning and I’m battling to get out of my jammies and the rollers in my head are pretty much growing roots in my scalp (of course not really – but you get the picture).

I guess women have that weird pressure too: the demands (from ourselves and others) to be everything to everyone – not complain because we’re supposed to be and do a gazillion things all at once because apparently we’re “great multi-taskers” – yeah I kinda missed that skill when it was being handed out.

Most of the time these days even making tea is a chore for me. I can feel the air being sucked out of my lungs and while I feel helpless to stop this state from utterly consuming me I want to talk about it because I know I can’t be alone in how I feel.

So I’m kinda being open about this very weird slump that is gobbling up my creativity, my drive, my love and eroding my purpose because I want to share a ray of sunlight with you.

In a recent post I wrote about how I was reading Stormie Omartian’s Power of a Praying Woman – that, people, is what’s keeping me afloat and sane.

Reading from this woman who has opened up about the real struggles of her life and how she puts them at the feet of Jesus is the only reason I can take the rollers out of my hair (figuratively) and get up to go through the day. That and YHWH’s grace.

And as horrible as I feel most of the time – I acknowledge that I don’t have the luxury of indulging in this sometimes debilitating feeling.

Yesterday I watched Bethany Hamilton’s movie. And I was thinking – “I have no right to be depressed.”

Google Bethany – her story is quite something.

[Welcome back if you just took a break from my sop story to read about Bethany. She’s quite something huh? :)] Anyway….

Here’s the thing – please do not compare your experiences with other people.

Do not allow others or even yourself to tell You that You have no right to how you feel and you should just get over it “because other people are worse off.”

Other people are worse off. Far worse off than you could possibly ever manage. But that does not mean that what you’re going through is a non-event.

Anyway I promised a ray of sunshine- So here’s a portion of Stormie’s Power of a Praying Woman book that I cannot get passed – Stormie writes:

“I am a fairly disciplined person for the most part. But I wasn’t always that way.

“There was a time in my life when I was the exact opposite. I was plagued with depression. And, as many of you who have been depressed know, you can’t think clearly or organise your life well when you are struggling to find a reason to live. You are unable to do the things that are good for you because you don’t know if you’re worth it. You don’t move forward in your life because it takes all your energy just to survive each day.”

As I read Stormie’s words I was like “No way!” It’s like this woman had ripped out a page in my journal and exposed me to the world. But this was her experience – and every word was what I was (and still am) going through.

And here’s the good part – Stormie didn’t stay in that state. She goes on to write:

“When I started learning to pray about every aspect of my life, I asked God to help me be disciplined enough to be daily in His Word, to pray faithfully, and to take the steps of obedience I needed to take.

“I asked Him to deliver me from depression and anything else that kept me from all He had for me. I was surprised at how quickly God answered those prayers.”

So you can imagine that these are my prayers too right now.

I don’t think there has ever been a great woman or man who has had easy sailing with sun shiny days all their lives. Darkness does come. “Happily ever After” remains only in fairy-tales.

Growing up is knowing to enjoy the fairy-tales when they’re happening and but also acknowledging that sometimes there will be ogres to run from or fight – (and most of them are not as cute as Shrek!)

The slumps and dips of life do sometimes tap us on the shoulder and make getting up in the morning tough.

So while getting up is tough for me right now – I’m making the effort to get up and I’m speaking to close prayerful friends about it – well and I’ve told you now.

Despite what feels like a deep void that threatens to consume me I know the greatness of my life that is still there. And I know that this will pass.

It’s not easy and feels really really rubbish.

But here’s what I’m finding out – for the most part I have to want to be better. I’m the one who has to find out how to get out of my storm.

So I’m seeking fantastic powerful testimonies like Stormie’s and Bethany’s. And I’m praying.

And in this soppy story – that really is the good news.